acupuncture for me?

 

i have always been terrified of needles. it's irrational - other than the fact that needles do actually hurt. just looking at an exposed hypodermic needle makes my skin crawl. my parents and i always joked that i would never be a junkie because there was no way i could inject myself. truth. 

this is still true. 

but the universe has a way of forcing you confront your fears. at least sometimes. and in that is a greater moral life lesson right? [always. there always is]. luckily i don't have the same practically paralyzing experience with sewing pins/needles, or my whole art career would be a futile attempt of work arounds. BUT a few years ago our cat became diabetic. and i had to give her daily injections of insulin. those needles are small and short, but i swear it felt like some cosmic force was kind of snickering at me. so you don't like needles huh? yeah, well here's some good exposure therapy. i silently apologized to lulu each time i pricked her. luckily she didn't seem to care at all. 

here i am. still pretty afraid of needles. i put on a good face to get vaccines. kids will do that to you. force you to put on a heroic front when confronting terrifying things. spiders? not creepy - they eat bad bugs. vaccines? sure no one likes them, but they keep us safe.  

acupuncture has been recommended to me several times over my lifetime. each time i found a different remedy to try. massage, electric pulse therapy... sure i'll try some herbs, but no way can i lie still with needles poking out of me. but i now have carpel tunnel. and brain fog. my cold feet aren't getting any warmer and my ribs have never recovered from pregnancy. AND acupuncture is covered by my health care. $15 co-pay 20 visits a year thank you very much. so i tried it. and i'm frankly still bone chilling scared. and sometimes they do hurt or sting on initial entry, but then dull to an ache or heaviness - i keep thinking no pain no gain is no longer a meaningless platitude. i like my acupuncturist. she has a ross blackener print in her office on loan from paulson fontaine press. apparently her husband is friends with ms. fontaine. small world. actually this connection made me instantly feel better. 

i DO NOT look at the needles. the second she comes to put the first one in my third eye, my eyes shut. the first time tightly. the last time, just shut. i wonder if someday i'll even be able to look [i doubt it]. 

i don't want to be an advocate for a rah rah overcome your fears and all will be well... but this has been interesting to say the least. even with just a few sessions i can feel a difference. my hands aren't falling asleep when i sleep [and i don't have to wear the god awful braces on my wrists all night long. they woke me up even if they were working]. 

the biggest thing is that lying still for a half hour with my eyes closed in a warm room is such a gift. i very rarely stop in a day. as i've gotten older i've had to slow down. and i sometimes literally have to close my eyes and cat nap in a chair [don't laugh young-uns. it will happen to you too. you also won't be able to pull an all nighter]. 

it hasn't all been a bed of roses. after one treatment i had a frankenarm for almost 24 hours. it was like my hand was disconnected from my arm. i could feel things in it and i could drive and pick things up, but it felt like my hand wasn't connected to my body. and it all kind of ached. but in the end it felt better. some of the dull ache around my elbow was gone. 

do i claim to understand the wonders of chi/energy and how this all works. NOPE. but i don't really need to. and even if it's psychosomatic - the key is that it's working. and so my friends i am willing to be a vodoo doll occasionally and try and turn of the drum of i really hate needles, i really hate needles, i really hate needles in my brain. also it is NOT lost on me that my last show has pins literally sticking out around me as i pinned clothing on. very reminiscent of these acupuncture needles. oh universe.