06 September 2004

heavy heart




this is Garbo - she is my baby girl....she is pictured here younger and with both her eyes (she lost one to glacoma last christmas). the whole medical mess that has been her recent life started with a bad bout of uvitis - basically eye inflamation. she has ended up with some sort of bizarre unexplainable auto immune disease that had seemingly run its course. today completely out of the blue she walked in out of our sunny and blaringly hot yard with her eye shut.... D and I looked at eachother in horror because it's uvitis... thankfully we have a shitload of meds leftover and have started her on a course and will hopefully squeeze in to see the eye specialist tomorrow.... but I can't shake the feeling of dread. I know for those people out there who don't have pets they won't get it - but this dog owns a very large chunk of my heart - and as much as I know that we will fight and do all that we can (and hope) I can't supress the fear....I just don't want her to go through the trauma of what we had to do the first time around and she's not a good candidate for blindness (as if anyone/thing is?!?! - I know - but just trust me)


which leads me to how this whole last week there has been a feeling of impending trouble - believe me I'm not superstitious by nature and I'm not even sure how to describe it. It all started with my body literally feeling uncomfortable - back pain - the tendonitis in my arm acting up... then a conversation about the "art world" with a friend that left a bad taste in my mouth and thinking about how to keep my priorities and life in check... the whole political situation seems bleek post the macho (read scary but well executed) Republican Convension... by Friday the rise in heat (yes as a No. Cal "delicate flower" anything above 85 degrees starts to make me wither) and a somber conversation with my studio mate left me feeling a bit tense. I began to think about this project as well and how I have been too scared and timid to divulge ceratin aspects of extremely personal information (or really negative thoughts/reactions)... it of course would make me vulnerable and expose my "real & serious" emotions and life to who knows who (although I'm still convinced that no one really reads this regularly - you just never never know). I then started to think about what I admire in say Aurora's blog is her heart on her sleeve honestly - the blunt and forthright joys, stuggles, thoughts, pains that she shares - the sense that we are all just silly humans on this planet with cross pollinating sets of problems or goals...Then again, my goal is not to bring everyone down, or even to invite them on the roller coaster of my life with this webspace of my own.... I have to admit, though, that sometimes it is cathartic to get something out - either vocally or via a keyboard....So I'll say this: I also found out this weekend that a person very close to me may be in a similar situation as my dog... meaning it isn't really clear what the future holds, but it doesn't seem bright and cheery. Thus I have discovered that fear and tears acutally and quite literally make your heart ache.


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