a big rain [change] is gonna come

There is something about this time of year…. The dates all seem to mean or commemorate something. A day in the woods where I exchanged vows with the one I love [in my 1950’s cocktail dress], the loss of beloved companions [I still miss you]… the date of my birth … and in the flurry of new classes beginning, classes seeming to gel and come into their own [oh I had forgotten how nice it is to teach a non-required course with seniors. The level of engagement and interest is just so much stronger]… my show approaches quickly. Too quickly. Will I ever learn to just be OK with what is made? To not need 10 things to edit down to 5 – to trust that it will come out in some small way like I had dreamed? [afraid the answer is no, but forward progress continues]

What is it in my nature that forces me into movement? Why do I loathe entropy? When will exhausted be exhausted enough? What exactly am I trying to prove? And who am I trying to prove it to?

With fall in the air, with the change of leaves and the pulling out of coats and tights and blankets I want a little comfort [of the macaroni and cheese variety]. What is this notion of time?

// time [noun]
1. a dimension that enables two identical events occurring at the same point in space to be distinguished, measured by the interval between the events. Symbol t
2. a limited period during which an action, process, or condition exists or takes place
3. a system for measuring intervals of time
4. the minute or hour as indicated by a clock
5. time conceived as a force capable of acting on people and objects
6. a moment or period at which something takes place
7. a moment or period chosen as appropriate for something to be done or to take place

//

How can you both be such a good friend and such a foe? There is never enough time. There is no way to bargain with you. You are generous to the good memories and forgiving of the bad. I can feel your nudge, your pull, your relentlessness. You don’t like entropy either.

This is when I thank leonard cohen, jimmy scott, nick cave, billie holiday for in those moments when you can belt it out with them at the top of your lungs you are free…. [and more importantly not alone]

I think for the rest of this week I will offer up the rest of my japan polaroids and let images speak more than my typing can [they are better at it than me anyway]

Comments

Briana said…
Big breath in... amazing post.

Do you need any help with the logistics for the show? Can't wait to see you!

hugs.
me
Abigail said…
I-hear-you.
This is so true...as is the part about not being alone - it's so good to feel you are not. This post makes me feel I am not.

** I brought back a pretty birthday book from France that needs filling...so give me your date, lady. I've got a little somethin' for ya, as the tune goes....

XOX
Di said…
Happy birthday, and happy anniversary, and best wishes for the show.

Sometimes time does seem like an enemy, but perhaps some things just aren't meant to happen- the things that do happen in the time that we have are the ones that need to happen, the important ones that have to be, to lead us into the future?
bugheart said…
your thoughts
so mirror
my own...
from anniversaries
to
birthdays
to
nick cave...
and
time...
"his trick
is you and me...
[girl]."
xo
mary said…
I'm so with you, lisa. This is a wonderful post.
Tiffany said…
Lots of luck, birthday/anniversary love and just remember...you're never really alone. There are many of us nodding and smiling and saying, "right there with ya, babe!"

:^)
julie said…
I also feel this time holds a feeling of looking back and going inside (sounds confusing) there is something in the air...

Hope youre ok..

the word 'time' continues to me the single most inspiring word for my work...xxx
cruststation said…
So many things to reflect on, to commemorate, a time to celebrate, to progress. Time : changes : the need for comfort and order, time to take a deep breath, so inspiring.x
Anke said…
Oh no - don't tell me I'm late for your birthday -again! Happy happy belated birthday!!! I wish you a world full of happiness.
Autumn always gets to me the same way...it's good I guess. Bundling up and reflecting...
natasha said…
i agree, your writing is wonderful. i feel the same way about the end of summer and fall, it is just too short and it always makes me feel so sad and so desperate to smell every raindrop and have the windows open and sit outside on a blanket...all of my significant life events including my birthday also happened around this time of the year. sorry to miss your birthday. you never cease to amaze me...and clearly everyone else, too.
mwah!
I love every single word of this post. It's exactly how I feel right now. You are SO wonderful....
amisha said…
oh my friend. i just kept nodding so much during this post… you captured it so so well (even if you think that you didn’t…) the time definition i identified with most was #5… a force capable of acting on people and objects. i have just been feeling so much lately that i am greedy for time. even when i am blessed with it i want more, more… i want to hang on to every moment so tightly, stretch and warp time so that the alone time goes by more quickly, the time with friends and love can go on and on… i wish!! i hope that your work has been going well for your show dear. it sounds like you’re just trying to prove it to yourself… it *will* be amazing. i know it. Xoxo

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