the loss of feeling refreshed

 

often when i hang out with the little before they go to bed gyoza here comes and sits with me. he's one of the sweetest creatures i've ever met. he has a very loud and comforting purr. he chirps and meows and rolls over. when he's really in the mood he will climb on top of me, continually rub into me, and plop down on my chest or lap as if to prevent me from leaving. watch out though. don't scratch is butt too much or he goes insane and might attack. otherwise he's a ball of love. kissing my nose and eyebrows and forever grateful for all chin scratches. last night i told him how appreciative i was of his continual love. many evenings over the last 16 months he has distracted me by his demand for touch and care. 

a chromatic wonder by teresita fernandez @sfmoma

as i've slowly wandered out from the cocoon of home - a few outdoor eating experiences, a return to a museum, chats with real life humans IN FRONT OF ME - no brain working overtime to understand societal cues over the ether and across screens... one thing has become abundantly clear. while many of us are incredibly fortunate to have survived the pandemic relatively unscathed [i think new understandings of trauma and ways to speak about it are in order] we do not quite have the words to describe how we are doing. we ask. we mean well. we really want to know. we want to connect. we want to comfort. when i mention some of the really hard and sad things that have happened over this year i feel silly. no one in my immediate family contracted covid. we have food, shelter even lysol, toilet paper, and no threat of a building collapse. 

the answer i keep sharing, because it's truthful, but hopefully doesn't come off as ungrateful is - i'm fine. but every morning i wake up thinking this will be the day i wake up refreshed, but instead i just keep waking up tired. nothing i do - i've been doing yoga in the mornings. i even have done nothing - literally nothing - for days on end, drinking more water, eating healthy, taking vitamins, getting more sleep has changed this. granted i am waking up slightly less exhausted, but feeling refreshed? nope. 

everytime i say this, a flash of complete recognition appears on the face before me. i'm not sure if i feel better or worse that this is a universal experience. it just is what it is. 

and i can't seem to write my way out. or art my way out. or sleep my way out. at least not yet