but where are you FROM from?

but where are you FROM from - not tibet, 2022, watercolor, embroidery and paper on Yupo, 14"x11"

i am making new work for a show that opens quite soon at walter maciel gallery. [opening is nov. 5th from 3-7pm and i'll be giving a short walk thru/talk at the start]. 

this might be the most personal work i've ever made. ok. let's rephrase - all art is personal. even if you think it's not. it is. you choose the color, the media, the technique - all of that is influenced by your existence and experience. what you gravitate toward, how you know [or don't] how materials work. what excites you...  

but for this show i'm literally painting self-portraits. if someone from now came and spoke to my past self and said - oh just wait until the day you do a whole show of yourself i would have laughed in their face. first of all PEOPLE? i don't paint people [i broke that rule with my last show - although i really started breaking it in grad school when i embroidered some portraits]. second of all self portraits? i HATE them.  but i have done them occasionally and it's definitely necessary for this show]. 

i think in the past i hated painting people and more specifically myself because i didn't have the skill to do it the way i envisioned in my mind. and even more because i was scared. what if it isn't recognizable? 

i definitely believe that when you make art the best stuff tends to come when you are scared or feel a bit out of sorts. like you know your idea is sound, but not sure you have the technique. or you have the technique, but have to shift how you use it. there's something about being off balance that allows you to enter a new space and make decisions you might not normally do. this helps the work. almost always. it at least pushes you in a direction that perhaps you wouldn't have fathomed in comfort and familiarity. 

complacency can lead to boredom which often can lead to boring art. i didn't get into this [art making] to repeat myself over and over until i can't make things anymore. to be sure, there is something to be said about consistency and cohesion and for doing what you love over and over. repetition isn't a bad thing [says the person who makes 1000+ of the same thing] but when it isn't wrapped up or in with some kind of exploration, learning, discovery, sharing... i often ask what is the point? 

my whole entire life people have assumed or asked me if i'm from places that i have no personal tie to. maybe i've visited that place.  maybe i haven't. there are people who have asked where i'm from out of pure curiosity and genuine interest - perhaps a desire to find a common ground. there are those that want to put me in a box, or "understand" something - as if my ethnic heritage will put me in a place where they can see where i'm coming from. or they need that info to decide something about me for themselves. there have been moments where it is inherently racist. or fetishistic. there are some - like a Vietnamese barista - who insisted i look like their sister. and then when he brought in a picture to prove it - indeed i did. this fostered a sense of connection, not alienation. people come up to me and speak in their native tongues, surprised when i can't answer. 

i have tried multiple approaches to answer the question where are you from? sometimes i say where i'm born [arizona] which often leads people to assume i'm native american. sometimes i ignore the question and divert. or i walk away. sometimes i try to make the person asking squirm - esp when something like - you are so exotic looking comes out of their mouth. when i was young i had no response. no witty retort to something to profoundly offensive. now i either snap back or smile big and reply like a dancer or a spice? don't even get me started on the times when i've been referred to as oriental - yeah. like a rug or a vase. 

appearing multi racial, or put more simply NON WHITE, but often not what people think i am, has lead to some really interesting conversations. it's also been confusing. it's challenging to hover between people's expectations and cultural frameworks. i'm not "american" enough for some - and when i'm in japan i'm definitely not "japanese". i have cellular memory experiences or moments of what feels like complete understanding and synchronicity in japanese spaces, but am still so very white, jewish and american. i'm not seen as "white" but also am not not white. i am privileged and with all the cream in my coffee have a point of view that isn't brown or asian enough for some. 

there is something to be said for being surrounded by those like you. some of my closest friends are also blended. or have married someone outside their cultural experience. i feel "home" in hawaii where so many are mixed and people are surprised we're from the mainland. but really it's hard for someone who isn't combo'd somehow to understand some of the nuance of this experience. 

so this show is about THAT. about being seen as french, hmong, hopi, south american, indigenous, european, etc. etc. i made a list of all the places that people have assumed i'm from, or the languages that people have spoken to me [especially in airports]. then i made a list of the places of my true heritage -japan, russia, lithuania, romania and poland. 

i started by looking at western traditional portraiture. think manet, vermeer, sergeant. how do the women pose, stand, where are their hands, what are the looks on their faces - usually not smiles. then i took photos of myself copying those ideals. i painted the images in watercolor in black and white. 

i also took photos of myself in a "mug shot" fashion. head on, 3/4 and profile view. because i have 5 "true" ethnic identities, i thought using this framework would be good. japanese in the middle.  in the "real" place portraits i painted life size and in color to contrast with the black and white.

then began the process of researching traditional clothing of the places people think i'm from. this was actually trickier than i expected as some places have multiple ethnic groups within them or borders have shifted and/or traditions have been lost or changed. i actually enjoyed this research so much. it took me back to my days when i was a costume designer and had to look at the history of fashion. i began pairing the portraits with regions. oh - i look more asian in this one, or more latina, or more european. 

i then painted the outfit of the area - this was such a fun process. when i paint i realize i look for that balance between something looking real and something being painted. i want people to KNOW it's paint. i want it not to be photo realistic, but still have the feel of the real thing. that's the space that excites me the most. 

and in an act of mimicking paper dolls, i pinned the clothing on top of my portrait. completing my transformation and becoming the ethnic group that had been pinned on me. 

it's funny because this whole process reminds me that i started my artist journey very interested in costumes and even contemplated that as a field of employment. i did a lot of costume design in college - and if it didn't involve working with a lot of clashing huge and fragile egos i definitely could have pursued it. 

if you are in LA the opening will be from 3-7 on Saturday, November 5th, 2022. i'll be giving a little talk/walk thru at 3pm. i'll be posting images of the show first on my instagram account and then on my website [which finally got an overhaul this year].