01 August 2005

so long but not farewell


me and papa kiss Originally uploaded by dressform.

i have been absent.... i think that it is time to resume blogging.... i am attempting to go back to the things that i know - to a sense of routine.... and i realize that i do need to share what has happened. because i am captivated when others are honest and telling... and as someone just whispered to me: this community is lovely - i quote "creativity binds people together" (thank you mav)

above is my grandpa. my papa. i had hoped that i would get to squeeze one more visit with him in but miss fate decided not to heed my wish. so it goes (who i am to argue with fate?). he passed away last week and eerily i knew that it had happened. this photo was taken at my wedding 2 years ago. a wedding he almost didn't come to. as he got older and couldn't see or hear so well he retreated into the comfort of his own home. it was a challenge to get him to go to a new restaurant let alone to a cabin 6 hours away by car.

but he came. because i insisted (and my family helped me insist). and i am now eternally grateful that he did.

of course it is better that he is no longer suffering (that we are no longer suffering by proxy).... yes, i have wonderful memories and moments to slip into (more than i could possibly ever write about).... but grief is a tricky bed fellow. it comes and goes as it pleases and can startle you with its intensity. on one hand it really pulls into focus what is important and essential (our vision clouds easily).... on the other i am completely weary in a way i have never felt before.

what i do know is that he affected my life profoundly. that he loved me deeply (and made sure that i knew it). that he was my papa. and that i will miss him.

4 comments:

wendy said...

grandpa's are special creatures. My grandpa gave me some of the best advice of my life and my memories of him are my sharpest happy moments. His love and laughter were wonderful and warm. I still miss him, the loss is hard, even a few years later.
Thank you for sharing that beautiful picture and your experience.

maria said...

what a wonderful tribute & post!
how i can feel what you're saying as you describe it and the photo is wonderful. thank you so much for sharing with us...
know that you are not alone as many of us and those we don't even know struggle to find their way through the sorrow & confusion of loss. we all experience it... those who love deeply must face these times. i am thinking of you and sending you many good wishes ... mainly for peace. hugs, mav

natalie said...

the photograph captures such a beautiful moment...

shash said...

hi lisa, had to come read your post about your grandpa that you wrote last year since i don't think i knew of your blog then. and since you wrote about him again the other day. what an amazing and sweet picture. it's made me cry (missing my grandparents too and having lost my grandmother in december). it's like wendy says here that grandpas (and grandmas) are special creatures. thanks for sharing this and your recent thoughts as well.