i have no answers

what do you hear when it's quiet? is it empty? do you avoid it? does your heart beat calmly? do you panic slightly when everything is perfectly still? do you mask what you really feel? so you seek approval? from who? why?

how do you long to be alone yet ache when you are? what devices do you use to fill the empty? how do you stay away from irony? how do you face uncertainty? what are you searching for? what has found you? what brings you joy? do you normally feel your heart? - really know that it's there?

what do you remember? what is iconic? can one thing sum up a lifetime? a person? a personality? how do you retain an essence? how do you honor those you love? how do you not become selfish? how can this not be about you?

in a fire what would you grab? in the dark whose hand do you hold? what if physically you are incapable of what you can dream mentally? what is success? why do you care?

why are we social? why can things you love sometimes also be burdensome? can you be too truthful? can you opt out of game playing? can you say too little? can you admit your faults?

what is optimism? what is phoney? what is inspriation? where does your gut get its smarts? why not? what for? why odd numbers? why can't you ask for help? what are you scared of? is there ever enough time? can you say i love you too much?






i apologize for the lack of photos and the randomness of this.... i was flooded by these questions late in the night. i don't even think i want answers to all of them. i do know that i want my grandma to feel better [she has pneumonia] and that i am looking forward to seeing her next week.

i am searching. i hope to be back to regular programming shortly. i am sorry to have missed this weeks corners of my home!

soon....

Comments

andrea said…
it is in the deepest moments of the night (when I am in that state between sleeping and waking) that questions too similar to these come to me. sometimes, they fill me with panic and dread, sometimes I feel indifferent... (ah, but mostly I feel panic). all such valid and important questions, but you're right-- I don't think I want the answers to most of them either.

hope your grandma feels better soon... will be thinking of you.
natalie said…
oh Lisa I hope your Grandma gets well soon...*sending hugs*

Hope to see you back here soon, but take your time (sometimes it's good to take a step back)
joy madison said…
The answers will come in one way or another. Keep looking!
Nicole said…
Hey - big hugs to you. See you soon.
wendy said…
questions spinning me into the dark at night...thinking of you...
mav said…
don't apologize for anything on your blog. it's yours & we love to read it and be a part of your life. i am thinking of you. i had a moment today where i was in tears over some old women eating lunch together.... wonder if somewhere i was connected to what is going on with you? hmmmm. hugs! mav
pat said…
A German poet named Rilke once wrote a young man that he should be satisfied to ask the questions about life and to wait for the answers to come to him when he would be ready for them. Although I am not a young person any longer, I still follow that advice.

Your grandma is very fortunate to have you in her life! I am wishing her a speedy recovery and you the patience to accept life on its terms while still working to make it better for yourself and those you love.
mooncici said…
My pray with you and your lovely gradma. Hope she'll get well soon. Hang tough there, my dear.
Amanda Woodward said…
Lisa! lisa! I hope your grandma gets better soon & please don't apologize for posts like, this, I personally love reading "real" posts like this, when they are unedited lovely chunks of lisa brain.
anke said…
Dearest Lisa, I hope your grandma gets well very very soon - I'm sending healing vibes and good thoughts. I bet she will be better already when she sees you.

The others are right - never apologize about what you blog - it's your blog and we are just allowed a little peek into your soul (for which I'm eternally grateful).

I don't really have answers to your questions (which made me think hard by the way) except one: When your house is on fire you grab the hand of your loved one - and in my experience also something totally irrational like your passport...

Sending you a giant giant virtual hug...
taragoe said…
oh, i hope your gradmother gets better soon...here's sending a hopeful little hug...

i love this post...although answering even *one* of these questions would take quite a bit of time, so all of them together...they actually break my heart a little...

sorry for my absence here, if you're up for it, i'd love to drop by your studio one of these sundays and say "hi" (i'll bring the coffee and/or tea...and you can rattle off as many questions to me as you like:-)
ladylinoleum said…
All I can say is that part of being a creative person is that the mind tends to overwhelm us at times. I ask myself many of the same questions much of the time. Hang in there girlie. Don't know if there are any answers or what the timeframe is for the answers to appear. Just know that you have a kindred spirit here with me.

Sending your grandmother good healing vibes.

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