02 June 2007

baby steps

pipe dreams

i am completely humbled. in awe of your incredible response to my last post. there are no words to properly describe my gratitude. your sympathy, empathy and personal stories were helpful in ways that are hard to express. your continued visits, emails, and check ins with me have meant more than i could possibly say. in moments of darkness it's heartening to feel that there are those that will shine a light... and who care... and more importantly understand.

to be honest i wasn't sure how to come back here. but i am trying to find some comfort in routine. even though lately that seems impossible. i want to be able to share, to continue to look and seek and find beauty. to revel in the community and see what everyone has been up to [so much! i have missed so much!]. plus i have a pact to uphold with someone .

i do want to share one set of thoughts i've had over the last few weeks - mostly because i've been thinking a lot about what we choose to reveal. and how there are so many things that could potentially be in the hearts and minds of those we encounter day to day and how you'd never know [or can only guess. over the last 2 weeks 3 random people who know me - not well - but see me often said they didn't recognize me. of course i didn't tell them why that might be]. unless... unless you just say. and so i say ::

guilt and grief are like siamese twins. conjoined and interdependant but with their individual devious minds. seeping into one another the lines become blurry. blurry with tears. heartache is aptly named - muscles scarcely used so noticeable [how we take heart beats for granted] - wrack your chest, constrict your throat, control spasms and waves. waiting for the day when there are only fond memories and when simple, normal tasks will ultimately again be SIMPLE and NORMAL.

todays sermon

i haven't taken any photos these last 2 weeks. i couldn't really "see". but yesterday i had to walk home from taking the car to the garage and i finally shot something. the results are what you see here.

i'm off to a wedding this afternoon. it's going to be on a ranch in napa. should be pretty.

and if you are in florida near miami and want to see some felt tanks to to the show i'm in at the art center . i guess at the opening 15 tanks got stollen [to the great embarassment of the curator. i tried to tell her not to worry!]. for some reason i thought that was so funny. esp. since they are only $2.50. you could have one legitimately for the price of a cup of coffee and yet.... bad art karma for the theives i think.

no need to touch

have a good weekend.

27 comments:

Abigail said...

..so good to see you easing back in Lisa - and with such beauty.

A slow and shaky awakening from a time of guilt and grief is a big thing to embark on....so glad you are feeling creative and beginning to 'see' again...I missed seeing the world through your eyes.

Take good care sweetie, xox

jen said...

hi lisa,
i have been thinking about you and missing you often. i am glad to see you are taking small steps back. just go at your own pace. sending hugs,
jen

bugheart said...

your words...
just so
right on.
thinking
of you often
and so
glad
you are
peeking out.
you know
i am here
whenever...
always.
xo

Camilla Engman said...

so glad you are back :)

shari said...

what a beautiful post lisa. i have been thinking of you so much. hope you enjoy the wedding and begin to feel some peace within. hugs!

eshu said...

it's good to see you back.

i just got around to putting something in the mail to you yesterday.

i'm glad you took needed time, your reflections ring very true... on a somber note.

xoxo

sarah said...

dearest lisa, so lovely to read words from you again, you have been in my thoughts xxx

Dawbis said...

big hugs... huge enormous hugs for you.

julie said...

Oh Lisa, take small steps and know you have many, many shoulders here...sending love xxxxx

and those tank stealers will indeed receive bad karma!!!!

wendy said...

you steps back are lovely...glad to read your words...you have been on my mind.
and heartache...such melancholy...I hope your days towards simple and normal are dwindling.

cruststation said...

So glad to see you back here with some stunning photographs. Been missing you, I just want to send an embrace for everything you share here. Loving your felt stacks, take care.xox

maditi said...

a happy return!!!
I love the way you paired your beautiful pics - and I really like those felt tanks :))

Sonya said...

Congratulations on your upcoming show and baby steps are good things. Pets are our companions and family, fixtures and when they leave there is an empty part that remains. And yes memory will fill it, but until then, baby steps.

shiso mama said...

happy to see you back, lisa. we're here for you and want to read and see what you are feeling, and do what we can for you. please more lisa when you feel ready. xo.

Alison said...

I think you got me with each and every line - everything you said, things running through my own mind for my own reasons. So much I have wanted to reveal recently, and haven't.

I am so glad you're here, and back. xx

louise said...

I'm so glad your back Lisa, I know I wasn't the only one who missed you. I hope you have a good weekend too, and that your heartache soon eases and that all the good memories fill that gap.
xoxo and a big hug, lj

risa said...

dearest lisa. i was very happy to see a post by you sitting in my bloglines. you are an amazing person. even during rough times you write the most beautiful and thought-provoking entries. i can only imagine how wonderful it would be to sit and chat with you in person. i wish i was there now to give you more hugs. to talk with you or just sit next to you...whatever would help you feel a little better.

alyssa said...

Missed you. Nice to see you back:)

cindy said...

how i wish we lived in the same city lisa. i'm glad your doing well considering the heartache. take good care and enjoy the ranch.

erin scissorhands said...

you're back :)

i've been checking your blog a lot lately to see how you've been...i knew it would take time for you to come back, though. everything you say is amazing and so truthful.

Vanessa V said...

Lisa,
First of all thank you so much for my parcel. Everyone loved it.

More importantly,
I have some words about your post. You see, the first time I let love, I got very very hurt. The pain was huge.

Many years later, my aunt took her own life. The pain was the same as that first break-up. And I learned, it was the pain of loss.

Loss is such an unusual pain. Empty and thick. Deep and raw.

Baby steps are good. And one day, it will be "life back to normal," but the beautiful memories will remain...

two trees said...

sending you a warm, loving hug. wishing i could ease your sorrow. oh friend, i am so sorry you are grieving. you are in my thoughts. lots of love to you.xoxoxo, shanna

gracia said...

Ah, Lisa, sending many warm hugs your direction for both your loss and (on a happier note) your parcel of spectacular treats you sent our way.
Thank you so very, very much for sending such delights to us... we're well and truly bowled over by your kindness. Photos to come, my friend... photos to come.
Welcome back!
take care, g xo

cally said...

Welcome gently back Lisa.
Beautiful post, your words, thoughts, sentiments all ring true for me also. I am always moved by how well you express yourself, it never fails to make a deep impression on me. And always makes me think.

I'm comforted to know that you give yourself the breathing space you need to deal with the changing clouds of emotion that weigh heavy around you just now.

Your photo's say so much about where you are at just now, they are classically you, but have a stillness to them that feels a bit different.

Your tank piles look fab, I can understand people would want them, but to steal them when you made them SO incredibly affordable. Mean people. I hope they step in dog poo and don't realise until they've already walked round their house and bits have fallen off everywhere.

Sending you lots of love, keep taking the time you need, we will all be here.

Karen said...

Really beautiful post, my friend.

I hope you are doing better and am thinking lots about you..

lisa s said...

thank you friends. to feel welcome and wanted is such a blessing. thank you thank you.

Meredith said...

I'm glad to see you back Lisa, I've missed your posts and beautiful photos.